"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."

"Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] “I’ll kill you bitches!”, which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious."

"i’ve lost my sense - i’ve lost control - i’ve lost my mind"

"Hey TiVo users, watch for a hidden message during commercials when you watch them in their entirety. This Is the Colbert Report!"

"If you drank the 99-cent bottle (USD ,500mls water) today, then took the bottle home and continued to use it, you could refill it every day with tap water until July 3, 2017, before you’d spent 99 cents on the tap water."